Having a difficult time getting your husband's attention? Sometimes he simply needs a boost. A boost to his ego so he will believe you want him, physically as well as emotionally. Sometimes he needs some extra effort on your part to be enticed and drawn toward you.
Just as there are a myriad of reasons he might seem to have lost interest in you, there are also a myriad of ways (or at least 26…one for every letter of the alphabet) to recapture his interest and make him want to pursue you again. Here is what I call “The ABCs of Being Irresistible in Your Husband’s Eyes:”
A – Affirm him. One of the things your man finds most attractive about you is that you were at one time (and hopefully still are) attracted to him. A man wants to be around a woman who makes him feel like he’s winning. Let him know he’s a great provider, he is great at what he does, he can still get your heart racing– whatever it is that you can compliment him on. And mean it. A woman who sings her man’s praises is a woman he’ll come after… so he can hear more!
B – Be a mystery. Men still love a challenge; just don’t make it too complicated. Does your husband know everything there is to know about you? If so, develop a new skill or idea or come up with a secret he’s dying to discover. When you become a mystery to your husband there are things about you that he still wants to know, things you’re thinking that he’d like for you to divulge, secrets in your soul that he’ll be challenged to draw out. You don’t give him a chance if you tell him everything. Write him an anonymous note from a “secret admirer” and put it somewhere you couldn’t have and don’t reveal it was from you. Offer to meet him somewhere and show up in a new dress and hairstyle. Be mysterious, in some ways. Be to him a treasure chest full of secrets he’s dying to unlock!
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C – Cultivate your relationship with Christ. What makes you truly attractive, and one worth pursuing? The beauty of Christ in you. When you have an intimate devotional life with Christ, and are controlled by His Spirit, your life will produce the fruits of His Spirit – love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control (Galatians 5:22-23). What man doesn’t want to chase after a woman who is truly joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle and – they love this one the best – self-controlled!
D – Dress for him. Some women don’t think much about what they wear, with the excuse that they’re just not into the “latest” fashion. Or, they will dress nice when they go to church, or out with girlfriends, but not put much effort into how they look for “just my husband.” But men can recognize “frumpy” even if we can’t. And dress for him at night, too. Your husband might be majorly turned off by a “grandma” night gown that resembles something his mother used to wear! So, it may be time to invest in some lingerie or just something ‘form flattering’ or feminine.
E – Exude confidence. He once found it attractive in you. He still does. So, regardless of how you might feel about your weight, body shape, “big knees,” “small chest,” cellulite, veins or whatever, get over it. He has. Honestly, he doesn’t see all the body flaws you think are so very obvious. Men tend to not analyze or critique our bodies nearly as much as we do. When you are confident in your speech, your walk, your relationship with him, and your role as his wife that, too, is attractive.
F – Flirt with him. If he loved it back then, he’ll still love it today…maybe even more. Flirting is a hidden art among women today. We usually have too many other things on our mind to even think about saying something to get his attention and let him know we’re thinking of him. But flirting can be sending a text message or leaving a voice mail telling him he’s on your mind. Think: what did I do back when we dated? And that will help with your flirt factor.
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G- Give him the best of you. We tend to give the best of ourselves to our jobs, or our children, or our homes. And our husbands tend to get the leftovers – of our time, energy and even, our looks. I know many women who enjoy remodeling their homes. But what about remodeling ourselves now and then? The Bible says our bodies are the temple of God. So how long has it been since the temple’s been remodeled? Do what you can to keep your body in shape, healthy, and holy for the Lord and for your husband, too. The Bible tells us that we are not only the temple of God, but we belong to our husbands. So we take care of ourselves for them, too.
H – Have a positive attitude. Can your husband always count on a smile or a kind word? Or does he enter the house walking on eggshells, and unsure of what kind of mood you’ll be in? Positive people are enjoyable to be around. If you’re pleasant, he’ll generally want to be in your company.
I – Initiate. I can’t say enough here. Initiate a hug. Initiate a kind word or compliment. Initiate lovemaking. Chances are your husband dreams of the “wild woman” within you. Let your inner tigress come out now and then and show him he’s still the one. You want to be pursued. So does he, now and then. Surprise him. And show him there’s a side of you he has yet to discover.
J – Join him in something he enjoys. Michelle told me she began to be more interesting – and more of a pursuit – to her husband when she adopted his interest in working out.
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“I was complaining to my husband that I was tired, bored, and didn’t have time to exercise. He told me that the kids were always going to take my time, but that I was the only one who could make working out a priority. I started to listen. I made time for my workouts a priority. I made the kids ride their bikes, while I started running. Now, years later, I’m not the nagging, tired, old wife. I am the new wife, with a cute body, and more interesting things to talk about. We talk about workouts, nutrition, and even exercise together. It has really ignited a new passion within our marriage. I can’t keep up with my husband, but the fact that I try makes it more interesting.”
By taking up a particular interest that her husband had, Michelle was able to accomplish nearly every one of the A-B-C’s in that one “J.”
K – Kiss him with passion. Not just a peck on the cheek, like you’d do to your child. But really kiss him. Studies show that couples who kiss each other daily enjoy a higher satisfaction rate in marriage than those who don’t. So take the initiative and kiss him. Yes, you’d like him to kiss you first, but do for him what you’d like him to do for you. Kiss him like you mean it. And see what happens.
L – Leave the lights on. Need I say more? As a man, your husband is visually wired. And it’s believed men see in soft focus anyway, meaning your man is not nearly as critical of your body as you are. Make the most of what you have to offer him and trust he’ll appreciate it.
M – Make his favorite meal or dessert. The best way to your man’s heart may still be through his stomach. So let him know you care and whip up what he loves to eat. Food is still good foreplay when it comes to men.
N – Notice the little things. My husband really does want me to notice his latest haircut even though I really can’t tell the difference. When you notice things about your husband it says to him that you’re aware of him, appreciating him and – convey this one, too – admiring him. Make your observation into a compliment not a complaint. (In other words, don’t notice that his shirt is wrinkled or he’s wearing athletic socks with casual shoes. Notice that he still looks nice when he dresses up – or doesn’t.)
O – Offer to do one thing that will make his day go smoother. You might be surprised at how simple his one request is – pick up his suit at the drycleaners, pack him a lunch, pray for him during a crucial meeting? Just offering to do something for him will show him your heart is tuned toward his needs.
P- Plan a surprise for him. Men are, at times, like little boys. They love surprises and spontaneity if at the appropriate time. Find out what he’s been missing and bring it back whether it’s a hairstyle on your head or a favorite place to eat.
Q – Quit directing, correcting, and controlling. (That one came from my husband and I tried not to take it personally!) Let him lead. It will show him that you do believe in him and his ability to handle a situation.
R – Respect who he is and what he does. He needs that from you more than you realize.
S – Spontaneity. Be unpredictable, but in a good way. Suggest you eat somewhere you never have. Wear a color you never have before. Go outside your comfort zone and take a risk with him. It will make him feel like he has a brand new wife, especially if you’ve been mothering him more than dating him lately.
T – Text him endearing messages like “You’re still the one,” “I’m a lucky woman to have you” and “You still take my breath away.” Chances are, he may begin to text some of those messages back.
U – Use a soft voice with him. Few men are attracted to loud and boisterous. Talking softly conveys femininity.
V – Visibility. See “L- Leave the lights on.” It’s that important to him, which is why I’m mentioning it – twice!
W – Watch his favorite movie or show with him. Even if you can’t stomach sports or another episode of “Man vs. Food,” if he loves it, watch it with him. And try to enjoy it – for his sake.
X – Xercise (ok I cheated on the spelling here…but how many words start with X?) Exercise will improve your mood and overall health, which will, in turn, make you more enjoyable to be around. Even better, exercise along with him, if it’s possible.
Y – “Yes” – say it often. It may be his favorite word from you. “Yes, we can invite your friends over for the game.” “Yes, I’ll try that new type of food with you.” “Yes, I’ll wear that just for you.” Think: “Your will, not mine.” Self sacrifice goes a long way in marriage.
Z – Zealously pursue Christ and your husband. As you look to God first as your Heavenly Husband (Isaiah 54:5), your earthly husband can’t help but notice Christ-like character in you…the essence of true beauty. And when you pursue you pursue your husband, you are affirming to him that he is worth the pursuit.
Cindi McMenamin is a national speaker and the author of several books including When Couples Walk Together, Women on the Edge, and When a Woman Inspires Her Husband, from which this article is based. As a pastor’s wife and Bible teacher, Cindi’s passion is to help women find strength for the soul through a deeper intimacy with Christ. For some free resources and other materials to strengthen your marriage and your soul, see www.StrengthForTheSoul.com.