I was married for 7 years. Knew the person for 2 years before the wedding. One thing about abuse is that there is no “handling” it. You can only sense it and strictly forbid it or as a last resort, run away as far as you can, from that person.
From my experience (of 9 years), an abusive wife is a nightmare. Especially, if you are the kind who likes to “handle” and “settle” conflicts, rather than take a stand. The issue with “handling” abuse - it is a temporary fix. It is like trying to “handle” a tear in a rope you are hanging from using duct-tape and then trying to climb faster. The false glimmer of hope in the strength of the duct-tape.
I may be inducing unnecessary fear in you as I cannot really gauge the gravity of your situation. Therefore, in addition to the scary metaphors, let us try to explore different ways to judge what can be considered abuse.
1. Any form of threat - Suicidal threats, threatening to separate, threaten you with humiliation at work-place, threatening to call on your relatives and loved ones, etc.
2. Any form of rash behavior - Threatening to jump out of a moving car, threatening to walk out of the house in the middle of the night, last moment cancellation of plans without any consideration for emotions, etc.
3. Any form of undermining behavior - Frequent arguments to prove how “you are not good enough”, but still she is forced to live with you.
4. Ledger of complaints - Issues and conflicts that are years old being held against you forever.
5. “If there is one thing that is wrong in this world it is you” arguments - Trying to blame you for everything that goes wrong, even if they are not related to you. For example, “I am in love with another person because you are not good to me any more”. May overlap with Point No. 3.
6. Physical Violence.
7. If you are scared of returning home to this person!!
Your patience while “handling” abuse should not be seen as a weakness or excuse for further abuse. Therefore, run away, as far as you can, before it is too late. 9 years, too late.