Every coming-out is different and there is no right or wrong way to do it – although there are some methods best avoided, such as during an argument or while plummeting down the first drop on the Big One at Blackpool Pleasure Beach – and reactions are usually equally diverse, but when your child comes out to you, there are things you can do to make it easier for you both. Here are the do’s and don’ts to reacting to your child coming out as gay
Stay calm
I can’t say this enough. Even if your kid is screaming this information at you, stay relaxed. Listen in a calm manner and acknowledge that you’re doing so with a nod here and an “OK” there. When it looks like they’re done, ask if they want to chat about it and whether they want to hear what you think.
Shock and awe
They might not want to talk at all – frustrating for you, but understandable. If they blurted it out, they might be shocked by what they did. Sure, you’ve got questions, but don’t badger too much. Let them know you’re ready to talk when they want to - they’ll come around.
'I’m so glad you told me'
Maybe you're not immediately thrilled with this news. Well, whatever. You should, however, be honoured they trusted you. Tell them. They might want to hug, they might not. Open your arms anyway andsee what happens.
'I already knew!'
The jury’s out on this one. Some LGBT+ people take comfort that people were already aware, while others are upset the “secret” was obvious all along. Even if you already had your suspicions, it’s best to wait for them to ask whether you already knew, rather than blurt it out while you blow streamers and attach rainbow deely boppers to your head. When they ask, answer honestly. They may feel like they’ve failed in some way for giving the hame away – so rather than concentrate on specific clues, try connecting on an emotional level. “You’re my child. I knew something was different about you and I knew you would tell me what that was when you were ready” is better than commenting on, for example, a high-pitched voice or a tendency to play with dolls or dress in clothes not normally associated with their gender. This could help to forge a bond between the two of you. The time for anecdotes will come once they’re a bit more comfortable with themselves. Lines such as, “I knew you were gay when you said you hated football” can be an icebreaker, but read the situation first before making light of it. We take this very seriously, perhaps too much so, yes, but that’s our right.