How can I live with a loveless marriage?

I've been married for four years. We have a four-year-old and a three-year-old. I don't love my husband any more. I did, but I don't feel any sexual attraction at all now. For the past two years, I've tried to avoid sex whenever I can and pretended it's OK when I can't. Often I've shed tears afterwards: it's horrible having sex with someone you don't love. My husband says he still loves me and I'm selfish if I don't try to make this work. Our counsellor thinks I've blocked up all my emotions and could be depressed. We have only known each other for six years and everything happened very quickly. I am 41 and I know what life as a single person is like. I'd rather be single than stay with him and be unhappy. I feel trapped and like a villain if I talk about a split - temporary or permanent. Any advice?
I don't think you should do anything hastily. I'm 34 and have been with my husband since I was 17; we have three children. As such, we have grown up together and our relationship has gone through at least four different stages.
There were times after I had my second child when I really didn't feel any attraction or love for him, but we rode it out for the sake of the children. Now we are in a completely different phase; happy and in love again, spending time together and with the children. Vitally, we have our own interests and projects. Our relationship is based on affection and respect - important emotions after the initial buzz has gone.
What makes you think another relationship would be better? Or being on your own? Your husband is not unkind or abusive and there is a chance that your feelings will change again.
Give it more time. Channel your resentment into doing something for yourself. If you can face it, find some simple sex guides for long-term relationships. Once you get past the dodgy jargon, they can change your life.
Name and address withheld
Be true to yourself
My husband was a nice man but I didn't love him. I avoided sex as much as possible and felt degraded and worthless when I had to please him. I felt trapped and guilty for wanting a different life, so I stayed for the sake of the children and gave up a lot of myself for a long time.
I read Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers and finally summoned up the courage to leave when the children were teenagers; they knew things between us were not right. Your children will benefit from living in an honest, loving environment rather than one where you are trying to make things right when they can't be. Your husband is selfish for wanting you to behave in a way that suits him; you know how you feel, better than your counsellor does.
Be true to yourself; in the long run it is the only way in which you will be happy.
Name and address withheld
Put the children first
My husband told me, after 20 years of marriage, that he had "gone off" me very early on. For years, we avoided sex and he eventually told me he didn't want it any more. We stayed together for the sake of the children and we're glad we did because they are thriving. My husband and I get on very well on every other level and we are a happy family. We gave each other permission to have affairs but neither one of us has done so.
You both have to decide on your priorities. Is your children's mental health important to you? Because it will probably be damaged if you separate. Can you both retain your own mental health while staying together? If you can both live without sex, you can all have a happy family life. If you can't, you'll have to part, but it will mean heartbreak for the children.
Once the humiliation of being in a loveless marriage is confronted, it can be accepted and even result in a long-term relationship. Satisfaction can be found through bringing up children, financial security and a higher standard of living. It worked for us.
LW, Bromley
Next week
What can I do to stop a good friend drinking himself to oblivion? He has been a heavy drinker since he started work at 21 and is now in his mid-40s. He routinely drinks a bottle of red wine every night, with beer in the pub before and/or chasers afterwards. He has a good job and appears confident, responsible and in control.
When drunk, he is the life and soul of the party and everyone's friend but then he has casual sex with women whose names he can't remember, falls asleep on the train home and telephones ex-girlfriends with lurid suggestions. When he is sober, he can't seem to remember anything and denies his drunken antics. I've suggested he cut back on his drinking, but my comments have fallen on deaf ears. What can I do to help a pal who is dependent on alcohol?
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