7 Signs You’re Stuck In A Loveless Marriage

You knew the heady early stages of your marriage weren’t going to last forever. But when you find yourself stuck in a stagnant, unsatisfying relationship years later, you can’t help but wonder: Is this really what I signed up for? Would we both be better off on our own?
If you find yourself in this position, the first thing you have to do is ask yourself if you have the energy to revive the relationship, said Christina Pesoli, a family law attorney and the author of Break Free from the Divortex: Power Through Your Divorce and Launch Your New Life.
“If you do, explore every last avenue to save your marriage, from therapy and mixing up your routine to improving your communication,” she said. “But if you’re not willing to invest the energy into it, my advice is to gut it up and get out of the marriage before disaster strikes; people in loveless marriages are at a huge risk for extramarital affairs. And nothing turns a loveless marriage into a house of hate faster than betrayal.”
Below, Pesoli and other relationship experts offer seven signs you’re in a loveless marriage.
1. You dread date night.
When you’re in love, you look forward to dinner with your S.O. and cozy nights in with takeout and Netflix. So if the thought of spending time with your spouse leaves you feeling cold — or you actively try to duck out of doing things with him or her — it’s a huge red flag, said Pesoli.
“The occasional weekday lunch or special evening with your spouse should be a joy, not a job,” she said. “If it seems like a chore, your relationship has probably grown stale. That’s especially true if you’re game to go to lunch with other people like friends and colleagues. When you relegate your significant other to only getting whatever you have left over at the end of the day, your marriage may be in deep trouble.”
2. Only one of you is willing to work on the marriage.
You both agreed that your relationship needs a tune-up and yet, you can’t help but feel that your spouse has checked out. Making those appointments with a marriage counselor? Your handiwork. Planning a weekly date night? All you again. If you’re solely responsible for reviving your marriage, you might be beating a dead horse, said Susan Pease Gadoua, therapist and co-author of The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels.
“It doesn’t work if you’re knocking yourself out trying to get your spouse to counseling, trying to resolve the conflicts, make him or her happy without that being reciprocated,” she said. “It’s hard to come to terms that a marriage might be over when you’re so invested in it working, but just as all problems in a relationship are both people’s responsibility, so, too, is the solution.”
3. There’s nothing happening between the sheets.
Don’t underestimate the importance of sex in a relationship. Sure, your sex life isn’t going to be insanely hot all the time — your desire for your spouse (and his or hers for you) ebbs and flows through the years. But if the lack of sex starts to unnerve either of you, it’s time to have a discussion, said Micki McWade, a psychotherapist and the author of Getting Up, Getting Over, Getting On: A Twelve Step Guide to Divorce Recovery.
“Physical affection is like a shot of vitamin B12 to a marriage. The first sign of trouble is the absence or infrequency of sex or intimacy,” she said. “This may mean different things to different people but having a mutually satisfying sexual relationship is an excellent support for a healthy marital relationship. It makes the little day-to-day nuisances seem less annoying. It’s absolutely something worth addressing.”
4. You constantly fight in public.
Everyone knows at least one couple who’s downright painful to be around: they’re constantly bickering, generally dismissive of each other and bring a cloud of negativity to any dinner party they attend. If you’re slowly morphing into that couple, you just might be in a loveless marriage. Clearly, you have contempt for one another and nothing’s more detrimental to a relationship than that, said Pease Gaduoa.
“When your mate loses respect for you or you lose respect for your mate, it means trouble,” she said. “Having utter disregard or even disdain for the other is toxic. Every interaction from the most mundane to the most important will be colored with negative undertones, overt and covert jabs and hurtful exchanges. Because the negativity feeds on itself, it doesn’t take long for lack of basic respect to undermine the marriage. It’s what researcher John Gottman refers to as contempt in marriage and it’s one of his predictors that the relationship will end.”
5. Not even love songs can make you change your tune.
If you turn on the radio and all the love songs you hear leave you feeling flat, your relationship may be in dire straits, said Pesoli. It may seem like an insignificant sign of trouble, but it says more about your relationship than you realize, she said.
“The truth is, love songs know how to hit all the right notes,” she said. “If you’re even the tiniest bit in love, listening to a really great love song can turn those feelings up to 11. So, if love songs don’t make you weak in the knees for your spouse, that’s a sign that your relationship is out of harmony. And if you find yourself swooning for your college boyfriend or work crush, it’s time for you to get some couples therapy.”
6. The same arguments are played out over and over again.
If your constant squabbles about the same old issues are become more and more embittered, it’s a sign of a seriously unhappy marriage, said McWade.
“Bickering about minutia is deadly,” she said. “A steady or frequent toxic flow between marital partners is a sign that there is underlying and unresolved resentment present which will eventually erode and abrade the marital connection. In my experience, that resentment is usually based on either lack of sex, money habits or both.”
7. You look for solutions to your marital problems outside your marriage.
According to Pease Gaduoa, one of the best indicators of whether a marriage is a loveless one — or whether a couple is just experiencing a rough patch — is how spouses try to solve their marital issues.
“When you see the solution to whatever problem or disagreement you are having with your spouse as being outside the marriage more often than you see the solution being within the marriage, it’s problematic,” the therapist said, citing an example of a client who eventually got fed up with his wife’s refusal to go out on the weekends with him and the kids.
“At first he gave into her requests, but at one point, he started to fantasize how nice it would be if they lived apart and he could take the kids wherever he wanted to,” she recalled. “Then whenever they’d fight, he’d picture the two of them divorced. The fantasies of being apart crept in at other times as well and soon, not a day went by where he didn’t long for his personal freedom. Four years later, he realized the situation really wasn’t going to improve. If he wanted to give his kids a better life, he had to end the marriage. Those fantasies you might be having are more worrisome than you realize.”

17 Signs You're In an Unhappy — Or Loveless — Marriage
Making the decision to leave a marriage is scary: There's often a deep fear of being alone, not to mention the possibility of an unknown future. So many stick with mediocrity, settling for low-level pain and dissatisfaction instead.
But that's not your best bet: "Staying in a seriously unhappy marriage can have long-term effects on our mental and emotional health," says Carrie Cole, a couples therapist and Master Certified Gottman Therapist by the Gottman Institute. Research shows that people in bad marriages usually have low self-esteem, struggle with anxiety and depression, and have a higher rate of illness than those who don't. People feel sad and grieve when they decide to let go — but people who divorce do recover emotionally, and Cole says most find new relationships. In fact, "one statistic reported that 85 percent of those who divorce remarry within five years," she says.
If any these signs hit home for you, it's time to take a hard look at whether this is a marriage you want to stay in.
1. You Aren't Having Sex Anymore
One warning sign would be that your relationship is totally sexless, says sex and relationship therapist Megan Fleming, Ph.D. — or if you're having sex less than 10 times a year. After all, she says, it's intimacy that separates a romantic relationship from all other sorts of relationships you might have. "When that's going out the window, it's a really big red flag." Jane Greer, relationship therapist and author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship, says that a lack of visible physical affection — like kissing or hugging — is also indicative of a real problem.
2. You Have Nothing to Say to Each Other
When something comes up in life, whether that's a work event or any accomplishment and your partner isn't the first person you're sharing it with — or one of the firsts, Fleming says that it may be that "you prefer to get your needs mets outside the relationship." To that end, Greer points out that not having any meaningful conversations aside from "rudimentary conversations about chores and things that need to get done" is a warning sign that your relationship is not in a good place.
3. You're With Each Other...But Not Really With Each Other
"You can be in the same room, one of you on the computer, one of you [watching TV]," Fleming says, but "if you find that you're never actively engaging together — you're together, alone, doing your own thing — that's an indication there's disconnection, or a lack of connection."
4. You're Actively Ignoring Your Gut
Our instincts can often tell us first when a relationship just isn't working — but we don't always trust that voice, says couples therapist Susan Pease Gadoua, co-author of The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels. "We often ignore our gut instincts because that voice is very quiet and calm, unlike the internal voice in our heads that thrives on high drama." We're trained to trust logic in many areas of life, so when a niggling feeling ("Am I really still in love with this person?") presents itself, it's hard to pay attention to it because there aren't any hard facts or rational reasoning. Drill down on that initial instinct and ask yourself more specific questions. If you find your responses are things like, "I don't feel safe to express myself, I don't feel respected and haven't felt happy in a long time," that's a sign that things have gone awry — and you shouldn't ignore it. "The truth doesn't go away simply because we don't want it to be there; that voice stays in the background and weighs on you," says Gadoua. "Getting quiet within is key to being able to hear instincts. And like a muscle, the more you trust your gut, the easier it becomes to decipher that voice — which comes from your heart — from the voice in your head."
5. You're Preoccupied With Other People's Needs and Problems
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Many women stay in relationships longer than they should because they tend to put the needs of others before their own. And since women often naturally take on the role of caretakers, they can lose parts of their own identity — and a sense of their own needs — in the process. "In order to face her relationship unhappiness, a woman needs to stop distracting herself by putting other people's needs ahead of her own," says Gadoua. "Doing this can be a way of avoiding her own painful truth." So if you find yourself getting unnecessarily involved in a fight between your mother and sister, or you're always rushing around trying to make other people's lives easier, it might be time to take a hard look at your own relationship.
6. The Distance Between You Keeps Growing — And You're Waiting to Get Help
One way to distinguish between a run-of-the-mill marital rut (where you've, say, fallen into boring routines and don't have much sex anymore) and a loveless marriage is to ask yourself how long the situation has been this way, and whether it's been steadily worsening. "Most couples go through rough times, but if the difficulties last more than two years, with no sign of relief, I'd recommend seeking professional help," says Gadoua. And sooner is always better to avoid passing the point of no return. "It would be ideal if we could tune into our longings and needs well before we get to the point that the love we once had is dead," says Cole, who notes that the average couple waits six years from the time they recognize relationship problems until the time they try therapy. By then, it's often too late — the problems in the marriage can corrode it to the point where it may be unsalvageable. So play it safe and consider scheduling a therapy session if you're struggling.
7. You Fantasize About a Life Without Your Spouse
If you often imagine a happy (happy is the key word here) future without your partner, that's a major sign that things aren't right. This is a part of the emotional detachment process, during which you may try to convince yourself that you don't care anymore so that the eventual separation feels less painful, says relationship therapist Jamie Turndorf, Ph.D., author of Kiss Your Fights Goodbye. "Detaching psychologically by fantasizing about having an affair or making plans for the future that don't include your partner can all be signs that you've fallen out of love," says Turndorf. "It's as if the mind has pulled its own plug so our hearts won't suffer as much when the relationship ends." If you notice this mental pattern, take it a step further to see if the fantasy holds weight. Gadoua suggests checking out real apartment listings online, and paying attention to how you feel. "It'll give you another layer of reality, which can then help you know what the right next step is," she says. As you click through, check in with your emotions. If excitement or relief is your prominent emotion (rather than fear or apprehension), it may be a sign to acknowledge that there are serious problems in your marriage. "But before actually taking steps to leave, see if there are things you can — or want — to do to work on the relationship," says Gadoua. That way, if you ultimately decide to leave, "you can do so with some peace of mind," she says. "It's never easy to end a relationship, but having lingering regret that you could have done more can make the decision harder."
8. You've Stopped Fighting
If you've given up fighting, but feel further away than ever, it's a sign that you've reached a crossroads. "If there's a fight and the couple doesn't talk about what happened, or becomes gridlocked in their position and refuses to listen to their partner's perspective, that's not good," says Cole. However, you might still be able to turn it around. "Unresolved conflict can fool us into thinking that our love is lost, when it's actually only buried beneath the ashes of smoldering resentment and anger," says Turndorf. In other words, the love could still be there, but you just can't access it. To get back in touch with those feelings, turn toward your partner emotionally —which creates closeness and connection—rather than ignoring them or responding negatively, which creates distance and disengagement. "Fights can lead to greater intimacy if the couple processes the fight and repairs the relationship," says Cole. It's up to you to decide whether you've got it in you to turn toward your husband and give it one last go, or whether you've maxed out your ability to keep fighting for your relationship.
9. You Have One or More of the Big Relationship Destroyers
According to Cole, there are four behaviors that are super-destructive to relationships. If one or more is present in your relationship, you could be on the fast track to loveless-ness (if you're not there already). Every time you criticize your partner — by attacking, blaming, and putting the fault on them by flinging negative statements like "You're always running late," or "You never do anything right" — you corrode your connection. By being defensive and refusing to accept responsibility, or attacking in response to feedback from your partner, you chip away at the trust and goodwill in your marriage. If you have an attitude of contempt, and call your partner names or make stinging, sarcastic remarks, you imply that you're superior and your partner is defective. And every time you stonewall one another, or emotionally shut down instead of openly addressing the issues, you create more distance and dishonesty, rather than openness, communication, and love. If any (or all) of these sounds familiar, schedule couples' therapy to discuss why you do these things — and how you can fix them.
10. You Don't Feel Heard (and You Might Not Be Listening)
When you sit down to talk with your spouse about what's working and what isn't, do you hear crickets? Or feel like nothing changes, no matter how vocal you are about your feelings? That's a problem, says Turndorf. "The most powerful tool we have for resolving our conflicts is listening and understanding one another," she says. "When we invite our partners to share what we've done to let them down, and when we truly listen and understand their feelings, decades of hurt and anger can easily fade away." So make a point of listening for the underlying emotions and messages in your partner's words — everyday issues, like yelling about whose turn it is to take out the trash, could be stemming from something deeper. "In most situations where couples go from being best friends to loveless opponents, I uncover a pattern of poor communication, dashed expectations and unhealed resentments," says Gadoua. "They think the fight really is about taking the garbage out, when in fact it's more likely about one or both feeling unappreciated, overwhelmed or unacknowledged." And once you finally hear what they're trying to tell you (or vice versa) you can get to the bottom of the real issue.
11. You're On the Verge of Having an Emotional Affair
If you're not happy with your husband, you might be falling into an emotional affair, making another male the priority in your life. And thanks to today's technology, it's easier than ever to get caught up. "Technology has allowed people who might never risk having any kind of affair to flirt online," says Dr. Wendy M. O'Connor, a licensed marriage, family therapist, relationship coach, and author of Love Addiction: How to Overcome Toxic Relationships & Find Love. "This creates a situation of 'temptation,' and not everything that takes place online stays online. People are bolder when hiding behind a screen, and often click on send without thinking first." If your relationship is already on the rocks, giving yourself to someone else — even if that's only virtually — will only make things worse.
12. You're Going to Your Friends Instead of Your Partner
When people have exciting news to share or even just need someone to talk to, they typically speed dial the person closest to them. If that used to be your spouse but is now someone else — whether that's a girlfriend or another man — it's a clear sign you're not in the happy marriage you used to be. "Research shows that in healthy marriages, couples celebrate each other's successes. If you're turning to [someone else] first in good times and bad, then you're replacing your husband emotionally and avoiding addressing what isn't working with him," says Dr. Paulette Sherman, psychologist, director of My Dating and Relationship School and author of Dating from the Inside Out. Try putting your husband into your #1 spot again. If you're not getting the support you need — or you don't even want it in the first place — it might be time to sit down and have a serious discussion about your relationship.
13. You Don't Like Spending Quality Time Together
After getting home from a long day of work, do you and your spouse immediately go your separate ways? And when you're at parties, do you tend to drift apart and do your own thing? If you'd rather be alone than with your husband, it probably doesn't seem like there's much of a point in being in a relationship in the first place. Getting a little time apart is one thing, but the trouble really starts when you'd rather be apart.
14. Date Nights Are a Thing of the Past
Can't remember your last date night? If you're not planning any important or special events together on top of not spending time together in general, that's not good news for your relationship, says Greer. Make an effort to get a couple outings on the schedule — maybe a movie night or a dinner at your favorite spot — and see if you can rekindle the flame. Marriages take work, and putting in the effort on things that bond you as a couple is part of that.
15. You're Not Each Other's Priority Anymore
When you say your "I dos," you're making each other your top priority above anything and anyone else. When you lose that essential part of your marriage, you can lose the person that once meant the world to you. If you're not making your husband a priority in your life anymore — or if he's not making you his — it's going to be really hard to stay a solid unit. Try going back to prioritizing your time together, each other's feelings, and each other's goals to get back into a healthy place before it's too late.
16. You’re Feeling Controlled
Dr. Fran Walfish, a Beverly Hills-based family and relationship psychotherapist and author of The Self-Aware Parent, describes a potentially troubling scenario in which one partner exercises control over the other. This is especially problematic if "one partner feels over-controlled by the other spouse, and has made great attempts to verbalize his or her feelings and feels defeated because his or her expressions and words are not validated," says Walfish. One way this issue might present itself? If a spouse controls the finances of the family, and prohibits the other partner from having their own credit card or checking account.
17. Your Partner Is Unwilling to Get Help or Work on the Relationship
"I think it's very important for people to recognize that there are very few things that cannot be worked on in a relationship, and even repaired and resolved," Walfish says. (Think about how many couples can even work past cheating). But if a partner isn’t willing to work on improving your relationship, that’s a clear sign of trouble. After all, she says, "working on a relationship requires two willing participants. That means both partners have to be open to looking at their own stuff."

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