Husbands: This Is Why Your Wife Doesn't Want To Have Sex With You

Sexual desire is leaving the American bedroom faster than a Kansas tornado will rip apart a house.
Long-term relationships, far too often, experience a dwindling sex life. "Experts" often blame the coals of passion on women and their vanishing libido post-marriage. Their keen focus on raising the little ones while ignoring the man next to them.
The lack of female desire is a profitable industry. Thousands of books, full of "theories" on why women lose desire, fill bookstores. Meanwhile, drug companies with pills like Addyi are "closing the gap" with a Viagra-like pill for women.
But can a pill really put women in the mood? I don't think so. The problem is that women (and men) need to feel safe to explore their sexuality. The last thing they need is to feel criticized for saying, "not tonight."
Being human is complex, especially with waves of emotions and desires crashing into our bodies. Being in a relationship is even more complicated; it requires two people to work with each other's shifting emotional realities, both together and individually.
Far too often, I see a resentful woman with little sexual desire for her partner, married to a resentful man for her lack of desire. For a couple to have sex often, neither partner should meet the other's "no" with rejection, anger or withdrawal.
Neglecting your partner an emotional connection or physical contact for saying "no" to sex will make saying "no" easier the next time. Ironically, the partner who was rejected by their partner must offer a positive response back to their partner. This is the paradox of sex in committed relationships.
Let's play this out in two scenarios.
Meet Chris. Chris loves Lacey. Chris understands that he needs to accept Lacey refusing to have sex tonight, but in his mind that doesn't make it okay.
He believes the wedding band on her finger means her body is his right. He believes that her refusal denies him the thing he feels entitled to. So Chris tries to convince Lacey again and again, hoping his next attempt will "push her over the edge."
Unfortunately, the sexual edge he is pushing her over is not a healthy edge. If she has sex with him, it's because he couldn't accept her "no". This leaves her to resent him. While their genitals may be fornicating, the love and connection in both of them is numb.
If Chris can't convince her to change her mind, he starts to act like a sad puppy. He sulks, whines, and may even bite her with criticism. He might even ignore her altogether.
Whatever happens, his negative response to her "no" is punishing Lacey. The subcontext of his actions are sending the following message: "It's not okay for you to say no. It's not okay for you to be your own person with a desire that doesn't match mine."
Obviously, none of this is going to put Lacey in the mood. In fact, it will do the exact opposite. It will escalate the tension and resentment between them. It will reduce her desire to have sex the next time he asks.
Over time, Lacey turns into a sexually dormant women. She is emotionally blocking her erotic nature by the wall of her resentment.
But let's explore an alternative reality to the situation above.
As Lacey turns down Chris for sex, Chris accepts it. Just like that. He doesn't hold a grudge or make up a theory that she is cheating on him. He doesn't view sex as a right or an expectation he deserves when he wants it. Sex, for both partners, is a choice made every single day. It is not a mandatory obligation.
For example:
Lacey: "Not tonight. I feel sick from dinner."
Chris: "I'm sorry, babe. I hate that feeling. It makes me not want to do anything either. I love you."
Chris's caring response is a far cry from the traditional "you always feel sick" complaint. This caring response is far more effective. Receiving a positive response from Chris for turning down sex does not cause Lacey to say "no" more often in the future. His actions reinforce that he loves Lacey despite not getting what he wants.
His words remind her at her core that their sex life is about making love, not increasing the frequency just so Chris can release his sexual tension. To her, saying "no" lead to Chris making her feel loved.
Sex becomes more frequent in a relationship of loving responses. It cultivates trust and togetherness, leading to more erotic and passionate lovemaking.
Whether we realize it or not, we constantly rate our relationships. We value our partner's responses in every single exchange we have. We are constantly reinforcing or amending the "story of us."
According to John Gottman's research, it has to be okay, even rewarding, for either partner to refuse sex. Paradoxically, this leads to more sex. Many people find this confusing. I know I did. But relationships are complicated. That's what makes them beautiful. They require understanding and working together.
For couples who are coping with a decline in a desire, how could your relationship change if you allowed each other to be as you are?
If you make it more than okay for either of you to say, "not tonight," there will be many more nights when both of you will say "YES." Female Viagra isn't needed to fix low desire; just the pill of understanding and empathy.
The following offer three basic steps to help the rejected sexual requester not feel rejected:
1. Don't take the "no" personally.
Realize that a lack of a sexual desire for you isn't all about you. Stresses from work, health issues, and general exhaustion drain us from having the energy to get it on. For most couples, I recommend using an arousal scale. It allows partners to realize that desire can be different among partners at the same time, but doesn't mean that the relationship is any less passionate. It just means you're not getting it on tonight.
2. Ask yourself why your spouse is rejecting you.
If you become angry, frustrated, or resent your partner, become curious as to why. Why is being told no to sex once such a big deal to you? Sex and love are full of private meanings. In my early twenties, sexual rejection meant I was inadequate and unworthy of love. Sex was validation for my self-worth, not a mutual act of appreciation and love.
3. If this rejection bothers you, ask yourself how this reflects on you and your relationship.
Recall the happy moments in your relationship to help cope with the feeling of rejection. Realize that your partner doesn't want to hurt you and is merely telling you how they feel. Their behavior has little to do with you and more to do with them; just as your behavior and feelings have more to do with you than your partner. Reflect, ponder, and get to know yourself better.
Sex requires communication, understanding and appreciation, even when things are not the way we want. Love is about loving your partner unconditionally, with or without your genitals touching.

Here's what happens after the "I do's."
As a culture, we're obsessed with meeting soulmates, falling in love, and saying "I do." The fairytale game is strong. But what we don't talk about as much is what "happily ever after" really looks like. Even for couples who have been together for years, shared a home, and maybe even had kids—putting a ring on it comes with a whole new set of challenges and joys.
To get a handle on the hardest things about the first year after tying the knot, we asked women in happy marriages (from newlyweds to those going on four decades) about some of the biggest hurdles they faced in the first year of wedded bliss—plus, how they moved past them. Consider this a roadmap to happily ever after for the long run.
“Even for a couple that has been together for a long time, lived together, made financial decisions together, marriage changes you. All of a sudden this idea of forever lingers over every decision. It adds a level of intention and significance to every aspect of your relationship. That can be challenging and scary. Communication is key. When something is bothering me and I wonder ‘What if he does that when we have kids?’ or ‘How are we ever going to keep a three-bedroom house clean when we can't clean the apartment?’ it's important to express that. It might not be a fun conversation, but ultimately he's the only one who can put me at ease.” —Naomi N., married six months

“I'd say the hardest thing about the first year of marriage was dealing with a change in my identity. I felt like people treated me differently after I got married—calling me "Mrs. Andrew W," for example. My husband was really great at supporting all of my professional goals and that kind of offset any weirdness I was feeling at my identity as a wife.” —Ashley W., married two years

“Relationships are insanely difficult—I think the most important piece of a successful relationship is recognizing that there will be ups and downs. I have no idea why but sometimes I find my husband intolerable for no reason whatsoever and yet a week later will be madly in love with him (more so than even the early days). Whenever I'm finding him less than desirable, I remind myself that I'll come around again and that it's incredibly important to remember the long game, not the short one. I also recognize that you can love someone without liking them for a period. Understanding this difference is critical to surviving a marriage.” —Kaitlin S., married six years
We asked men and women what they think of farting in relationships. Learn what they had to say:

"One of the hardest things about our first year of marriage has been the ever-evolving topic of finances. It's not hard in the sense that it's caused arguments or anything, but my wife and I have gone from keeping our finances separate to starting to integrate them after nine years together. To help make it easier, we've created some spreadsheets to get a more thorough idea of our combined income and expenses so we can better plan for our financial future as a couple. It's required getting REALLY real about debt and budgeting." —Kelli B., married one year
“The craziest thing about marriage, for me, is the realization that you're never single-handedly in control of your life anymore. I can't just move to a new place, quit my job, book a trip, or even make a major purchase without thinking about how it will affect someone else at this point. I liken marriage to a three-legged race: You have to figure out how to move forward together, and there are going to hiccups if you and your spouse start moving in different directions.” —Zara H., married one year
“The hardest things about my first year of my first marriage all seem small but they pointed out our basic incompatibility. We struggled with pacing for lack of a better word. He did everything a lot slower and had a slower process with decisions, logistics and tasks than I and I got impatient. We seemed to be incapable of making decisions together. My second marriage is completely different. My husband Peter and I are on the same wavelength. I never imagined how gratifying, interesting and fun a mutual, loving and supportive marriage could be.” —Lisa D., married six years
“My husband and I are both the oldest kids in our families, and we were both really headstrong. I'd get really emotional on those rare occasions when we got in a disagreement, and would get super insecure. I'd over-react and think that our marriage was over. To get out of a difficult time in our marriage, I made a list of what I loved about him and what I was grateful for. I'd meditate on that list and determined to get a better attitude and concentrate on all the positives. That was a really turning point. We've been through a LOT in 37 years together, but right now we are having the best time of our marriage.” —Echo G., married 35 years
(Add more intimacy to your relationship with Intimate Earth Massage Oil from the Women's Health Boutique.)
"Despite the fact that we’ve been together for eight years, and have only spent a smattering of holidays as a unit, our families have suddenly become territorial about who is spending which holiday with whom. It’s become a huge topic of discussion about whether we do another year of holidays separately, or start the 'every other year' thing most married couples do." —Meaghan T., married one year
"During that first year, we worked to create and nurture a healthy balance between independence and togetherness—not always an easy task. When two highly-independent personalities join together, struggle is natural. Compromise becomes not only essential, but elemental. We learned that supporting individual passions—like cycling and yoga—while also developing shared interests was key to our long-term happiness. We also agreed to prioritize time with friends, investing in a tribe who would help encourage a healthy marriage." —Jess S., married 15 years

Why Are the First Two Years of Marriage so Important?
Those who are married know that marriage can hit rough patches at any point in time. When it happens early in the marriage, this can be quite alarming and it probably should be. As the topic of matrimonial success and divorce is studied more and more, research shows that how a couple weathers their first two years together can make or break their marriage.
How the First Two Years Foreshadow the Long-Term Marital Fate
Dr. Ted Huston of the University of Texas at Austin provided commentary on a study on the predictors of marital satisfaction and stressors. "This study showed that couples' newlywed marriages and changes in their union over the first two years foreshadow their long-term marital fate after thirteen years ... disillusionment—as reflected in an abatement of love, a decline in overt affection, a lessening of the conviction that one's spouse is responsive, and an increase in ambivalence—distinguishes couples headed for divorce from those who establish a stable marital bond." The researchers also discovered "differences between the happily married and unhappily married groups were apparent right after they tied the knot."
The Texas study looked at 156 couples who were married for the first time in 1981. Researchers discovered the following after thirteen years:
• 68 couples were happily married
• 32 couples were unhappily married
• 56 couples had divorced
Problems in the First Months of Marriage Are a Bad Portent
The couples who divorced within the first two years showed signs of disillusionment and were negative toward one another in the first two months of their marriage.
It is a sign of trouble if a newlywed couple starts to have disillusionment within the first year. The couples who are still happily married are couples who were able to have positive feelings about their spouse during this early period of time in their relationship.
Facing the Honeymoon Blues
If you find yourself a bit depressed after your wedding, it's okay. Honeymoon blues are normal. You have both been caught up in time-consuming wedding preparations. It is a sure bet that once you don't have that stress to deal with, you will have a sense of loss. It's similar to the post-holiday let down that many people experience.
However, it is important to not ignore this period of depression. Being prepared for the newlywed blues can help you get past them. It's time to move on to setting the marital stage for the rest of your lives together. As mentioned by Dr. Huston's study, a top priority for newlyweds should be keeping the romance alive.
There are other priorities a couple will need to face as well. Several major goals that need to be settled the first year include how to allocate and handle money, who is going to do what chores, ways to spend free time, finding time to have sex, dealing with in-laws, understanding differences in spirituality or religion, learning how to deal with conflict, and discussing expectations.
Unfortunately, many couples avoid topics that may become heated, but doing so will do a disservice to your union.
Red Flags to Watch Out For
• Lack of romance and intimacy
• Inability to have fun together
• Selfishness
• Fear of conflict
• Lack of respect
• Over-commitment of time to other things
• Over-spending
• Too much dependence on parents
• Sexual problems
• Addictions and/or substance abuse
• Emotional and/or physical abuse
• Unrealistic expectations
• Married too young or for the wrong reasons
What to Do If You You're Struggling
The best thing to do is have an open and honest conversation with your spouse, without blaming, about your concerns.
You can start by saying something like, "I think we are both struggling to adjust to being married." From here you can figure out what options might be a good fit for you both. It could be reading self-help books, seeking guidance from your house of worship, a marriage education class or couples' therapy.
Build the Foundation for a Successful Marriage
Although the first couple years are said to be the most difficult, they are often remembered as the most joyous. They can be a tremendous time of intimacy and discovery. There is so much to learn about each other and so much to express to one another. During the newlywed stage of marriage, you can both build the foundation and set the stage for a life-long, meaningful marriage. So enjoy and romance one another!
Source: "The Connubial Crucible: Newlywed Years as Predictors of Marital Delight, Distress, and Divorce" by Ted L. Huston, John P. Caughlin, Renate M. Houts, Shanna E. Smith, and Laura J. George, published in "The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology." (2001;80:237-252).

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