By Lisa L. Payne, Kim Olver & Deborah Roth
If you think that sexual infidelity is the leading cause of divorce, you’ve got it all wrong. We polled over 100 YourTango experts to see what they say are the top reasons married couples decide to split, and — believe it or not — communication problems came out on top as the number one reason marriages fail. Here are some other culprits our experts blame for the high divorce rate.
1. Getting in for the wrong reasons.
Marrying for money — we’ve all heard that that is a ticket to a quick divorce, but what about when you marry because it’s what you think you should do?
I’ve met many divorced women who say the problems that made them leave were there right from the beginning but “everyone expected us to live happily ever after” or “we had already spent so much money on the wedding” or “we had just built our dream home.” So, remember, until you say “I do,” you always have the choice to say “I don’t!”
2. Lack of individual identity.
A codependent relationship is not healthy. When you don’t have your own interests or the opportunity to express yourself outside of coupledom, you become “couple dumb.”
If you are not comfortable doing things without your partner, or you don’t know what kind of music, movies, or food you used to like, you are likely in deep and you probably feel like you are drowning and don’t know why.
3. Becoming lost in the roles.
Just as many couples “forget” their single friends and single ways when they get married, when you add children into the mix, most parents soon neglect or completely forget that they are a couple.
As children grow and need less attention, many husbands and wives find that they have grown apart and they can’t remember why they ever got married in the first place because they no longer have anything in common.
4. Not having a shared vision of success.
“Everything changed when we got married!” He drives you crazy because you’re a saver and he’s a spender. Your idea of a weekend getaway is a cozy cottage in the woods; your partner wants to the hit the town and catch a game. He thinks it’s your job to cook and clean, but you disagree.
Why didn’t he mention these things before? Maybe you should have asked. Chances are that he hasn’t changed — your expectations did. Is it possible to survive major differences in philosophy? It is possible, but many do not.
5. The intimacy disappears.
Somewhere in a marriage there is a subtle change in the intimacy department. One person has an off day, there is a misunderstanding or someone doesn’t feel well. Then there’s the idea that he isn’t as romantic or she isn’t as sexual.
Whoever is the one with the subtle change can trigger a downward spiral in the intimacy department. Men generally need sexual receptivity to feel romantic and women generally need romance to be sexual receptive. As long as both people are getting what they need, they willingly provide what the other person wants. However, when there is a lessening on either’s part, that can trigger a pulling back in the other. If gone unnoticed and unchecked, before the couple realizes, they are seriously intimately estranged and wonder what happened. This can lead to divorce as couples begin to feel unloved and unappreciated.
6. Unmet expectations.
Somewhere written into a human’s genetic code lie the instruction that when a person isn’t happy, he or she is supposed to force his/her significant to make the changes required to make the unhappy person happy again. This usually takes the form of complaining, blaming, criticizing, nagging, threatening, punishing and/or bribing.
When one or both people in the marriage are attempting to coerce each other into doing things they don’t want to do for their partner’s happiness, it is a recipe for disaster. When you are unhappy in a relationship, it’s okay to ask for the change you want. But, if your partner doesn’t oblige you, then you become responsible for your own happiness.
7. Finances.
It’s not usually the lack of finances that causes the divorce, but the lack of compatibility in the financial arena.
Opposites can attract but when two people are opposites in the financial department, divorce often ensues. Imagine the conflict if one is a saver and one is a spender. One is focused on the future while the other believes in living for today. One has no problem buying on credit, while the other believes in saving up for what one wants.
Over time, this conflict can reach such heights that divorce seems to be the only logical conclusion.
8. Being out of touch... literally.
I’m talking about physical contact. Of course, sex is great, but you also need to supplement it with little hello and goodbye kisses, impromptu hugs and simply holding hands. Couples who don’t maintain an intimate connection through both sexual and non-sexual actions are destined to become virtual strangers.
9. Different priorities and interests.
Having shared interests and exploring them together is essential for a successful marriage. Of course, having “me time” is important as well, but unless you can find common passions and look for ways to experience them together, you’ll inevitably grow farther and farther apart.
10. Inability to resolve conflicts.

Every couple has disagreements. The key is to develop ground rules so that each partner feels respected and heard. Sometimes it takes a third party “referee” to help define those rules and teach us to move through the charged emotions so resentments don’t linger.
This article originally appeared on YourTango.

The causes of divorce are different for every marriage. If you feel you simply must leave your marriage that is a decision that you and no one else can make. At the same time, take a look at the top most common causes of divorce below and see which issues seem most like your marriage. This report is from a 2003 study of the most commonly reported causes of divorce among American couples.
The two nearly-tied top reasons for divorce are actually fixable problems.
1. Infidelity
It can feel like it’s the end of the world if your spouse cheats on you. While repeated infidelity is definitely a reason to leave a marriage, you can recover from a solitary indiscretion. It requires clear communication about how the incident happened, and steps to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Cheating is a sign that there are serious underlying marriage issues that need to be addressed. It’s not necessarily one of the causes for divorce on it’s own.
2. Incompatibility
You must have been compatible at some point to decide to get married. Everybody grows and changes on their own personal journey through life. It’s true, your spouse and you will be a different person than who you married at almost every point in your marriage. As long as you still have love and affection for each other, a happy marriage is completely possible even if you are very different.
3. Drinking or Drug use
Any sort of addiction or substance abuse is a clear sign to get out of a marriage. Because you care for you spouse, it can be hard to know when to leave. If you choose to work together to beat the drinking or drug use, make sure you can see tangible changes and improvement in his/her behavior. If the problems continue, no matter how well meaning you spouse may be, it’s time to leave.
4. He/she is not the same person I married
Growing apart, personality problems and lack of communication are all issues that can be addressed with skills-based marriage counseling. You can learn relationship skills to improve communication, deal with differences and grow closer.
5. Physical and mental abuse
These are the biggest “get out now” danger signs in a relationship. Unfortunately, it is twice a common among women as men to be reported among causes of divorce. If you or your children are being abused, physically or emotionally, leave immediately.

Tried counseling and didn’t like it, or have a spouse who refuses to go? Skills-based learning is important to overcoming marriage problems because it gives you the powers to fix current problems as well as ones that come up down the road. Plus, Power of Two can help you marriage even if only you do it. Sign up for a free 3-day trial of Power of Two and see the difference for yourself.


How to Tell a Guy You Like Him if You're Shy
Being shy makes dating harder at times, especially if you're scared of being rejected. If you have a crush on a guy but feel shy and don't know how to tell him, you'll need to draw on your courage. Start by being subtle and dropping hints that you like him, especially if you don’t know him well. Try less scary ways of showing your feelings, like giving him a note. If he doesn’t get it or you know him well, then try telling him in person. Even as a shy person, you can communicate how you feel.
Dropping Hints that You Like Him

1
Catch his eye. Making eye contact is an easy and subtle way to let him know you like him. Make the most of your opportunities to look him in the eye. For example, if he says hello to you, look him in the eyes while you say hello back. You can act a bit coy by dropping your gaze, then looking back up at him with a smile.[1]
• If he makes eye contact back, chances are he finds you attractive. Try to hold your gaze with him for one to two seconds.
• Don't stare though! See how he responds––does he smile back, look away or just stare vacantly? Try to gauge his willingness to interact with you.

2
Hint toward your feelings. You might be too shy to come right out and say, “I like you.” If this sounds like you, you might want to hint at your feelings instead of putting your feelings on the line. However, be aware that he might not pick up on your feelings if you’re not outright.
• You can hint your feelings by saying something like, “I really like spending time with you” or, “It would be fun if we were lab partners.”

3
Text him. If you’re shy, it might be difficult for you to go up to the guy, especially if he’s around other people much of the time. Texting can be an easier way to flirt and interact with him without having to worry about awkward pauses or not knowing what to talk about. If you’re texting back and forth with him, use the opportunity to slip in some hints.
• Just talking to him over text shows interest. If you want to go a level up, say, “By the way, I think you’re cute.”
• You can even come right out and say, “I like you” over text once you build your courage.

4
Write a note. Maybe going up to him and saying that you like him might overwhelm you or fill you with fear. If you see the guy at school (or out of school) regularly, you might want to slip him a note. This way, you won’t have to stumble over your words or ‘blank out.’ if you write a note, you’ll also be able to write a few drafts before settling on one you like and are ready to give to him.
• Start by giving him a note and see if he writes back. If you pass a couple notes, you might want to tell him you like him in the next note.
• Spend some time writing your note and deciding what to say. You might want to make it short and sweet or lay out your feelings. It’s up to you what you want to say in your note, just make sure you tell him you like him.
2.


5
Send him something from a secret admirer. If you want to show him you care but just cannot get yourself to come out and say it, send him something and sign it from a secret admirer. Send him a favorite food (like hot sauce or chocolate) or something you know he’ll like. Send a card and simply sign it, “Your secret admirer.”
• If you send him something from a secret admirer, try to ask him about it and see how he feels. You will likely need to tell him at some point it was you.
Method2
Telling the Guy You Like Him in Person
1.


1
Invite him to spend time with you. Maybe you’re too shy to come right out and say, “I like you.” Another option is to invite him to spend some time with you. Keep in mind that it’s okay for girls to ask out boys (and for boys to ask out boys). Spending time with him will help you gauge how he feels about you and whether you should start spending more time with him. This shows him that you want to spend time with him and get to know him better.[2]
• For example, ask him to go to a dance or to a sports game with you.
• Say, “I got two tickets to see the basketball game on Friday, and I was hoping you’d be free. What do you say?”
2
Set a deadline for when you want to tell him. As a shy person, you might do best by preparing to tell him you like him. Decide that you want to do it, then act on it. For example, decide on a specific day and time to tell him you like him. Do something to help you follow through, like writing it down in your planner.[3]
• For example, if there's a party on the weekend that you know he's going to be at, tell yourself, "All right. I'm going to keep an eye out for him. When I see him, I'm going to wander over and bump into him, then I'm going to tell him."



3
Choose a moment when he is by himself. No need to have his friends eavesdropping or casually listening in. As a shy person, you don't need an audience! He will also appreciate your tact and respect for his privacy. Read the situation and pinpoint an appropriate time to talk.[4]
• If he’s in the middle of talking to somebody, wait for a few moments. Once they walk away, it’s your chance to approach him.

4
Get to the point and tell him. Don’t let your conversation drag on too long without telling him you like him. He might become disinterested or the conversation might fall flat. You can start by saying, "Hey Xavier, you got a moment? There's something I'd like to say to you."
• Then follow by saying, "I've been enjoying spending time around you a lot lately. And I just wanted to let you know that I like you. I was hoping you might feel the same way."
Getting Over Your Fears

1
Find out if he likes you. Your job is a lot easier if you know he likes you. If he smiles at you or goes out of his way to see you or spend time with you, these are good signs that he’s interested. He might tell you he likes you or you might find out from a friend that he likes you. Your biggest job now is building your confidence to tell him you feel the same way.
• If he doesn’t know who you are or sees you as a friend, then you have some more work to do.

2
Notice if he flirts back. As a shy person, you’ll probably want to be flirty before going up to a guy and telling him you like him. Gauge his interest and see if he flirts back. In many ways, “actions speak louder than words” so let your non-verbals do the work. Try some basics of flirting such as laughing at a joke he makes or touching him lightly on the arm. This can drop the hint that you’re interested. Notice how he responds and whether he moves toward you or moves away from you.[5]
• You don’t have to be over-the-top. Being subtle can almost be better, as you might carry some mystery.
3
Think about the worst-case scenario. Part of your shyness might be imagining the worst that could happen. But what really is the worst thing that might occur? Be realistic and rational. He might say he doesn’t feel the same, but it’s highly unlikely he’ll make fun of you or embarrass you.[6]
• If he does embarrass you, this reflects more on him being a jerk than anything else and others will see that, too.
4
Make telling him a challenge. Instead of making the situation difficult or scary, frame it as a challenge. Are you up for the challenge? Whatever happens, you’ll know you pushed yourself out of your comfort zone. Give yourself credit for trying, even if it doesn’t turn out the way you want it to.[7]

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